My hoe story

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P.s- Every girl goes through a hoe phase in her life. Some just last longer than others.

Most women say they like a man’s jawline, his eyes, his smile…blah blah blah. Am not really like this. I mean i notice a nice smile and sexy eyes, but am more of a penis-kind-of-woman. I love sex. Sex is amazing. Its like that one feel good pill you take daily to get through a rough day. There is nothing a good pounding cant solve.

Moving in with my boyfriend,Alex, meant sex on the regular. And i was pretty excited. We had a whole house to ourselves! There was no limit to where or when or how we’d get it on. And how i loved the days he’d get off from work, throw me down wherever and give me that ‘i have missed you pounding’! It was magical. Literally seemed to solve all my problems.

It was perfect until my boss brought this intern at work and specifically assigned him to me to show him around. His name was Ben. And i knew i was in trouble when i realised that i wasn’t just staring at him, i was undressing him with my eyes. He looked a little mature for his age and everything about him turned me on. His cologne was alluring, his crotch promising and i wanted him to kiss me already! I was tired of waiting for the perfect timing.., because exactly when is it ever ok to devour one’s fantasies? And oh ny, these fantasies were driving me insane. I pictured him as the perfect lover, maybe because of his gentle nature. But i didnt just want the sex yet, i wanted to savour everything else that led upto to it just as badly; the slow kissing, the pulling together, grabbing, tearing clothes off each other, heavy breathing, biting, scratching, grinding, loud moans, feeling each other- then sex. I tried my best to avoid him because i had a good thing back at home. I could not let lust destroy my relationship.

But the fact that Alex was swamped with work frustrated me. The honeymoon phase in our relationship was clearly over, which scared me abit. We were not having sex like crazed monkeys all over anymore. We hardly had time to talk too, because he got home late and left early. I tried waiting up for him afew times. I ‘d get home early, clean, cook and dress up for him in sexy lingerie. But when he finally came i would have zoned out, or he would  be too tired to notice me. He would wash up and fall asleep before i could warm his food. He had no idea how much i missed him, or how long i had waited up for him. He had become like a robot. All work and no play. Am only human. So naturally, i craved attention and affection, even if for half a second.

And then one day it just happened. In the supplies closet, at work. Ben and i were counting some materials for a project when all of a sudden i was on top of him, tearing open his shirt and struggling to unzip his khaki trousers. His body was alot more perfect than i had imagined it to be. He was totaly ripped, and all i wanted was to lick him from head to toe. I wanted to write love notes on his skin with my tongue. Nobody ever wants to mix business with pleasure. But here we were anyway, unable to hold it together anymore. It felt so wrong, yet so right. He kissed me and i forgot about my worries. Everything else was oblivious at that moment. Before i could recover he threw me down and lay on top of me. He kissed my neck and i felt my whole body erupt with immense pleasure. By the time he got to my inner thighs i could feel fireworks, tsunamis and earthquakes between my legs. My thighs were shaking like a broken washing machine. I dont know exactly how long he was down there, but i didnt want it to end.

It was beautiful.

To have a man know his way around a vagina is quite heavenly. I reached out my hand and felt him. He was so hard. Eventually, we gave in to our bodily desires.
I could have easily lost my cool and moaned out loud for the world to hear, but i had to remind myself that we were in a work place. Our jobs and reputation were on the line. But the way he was giving it to me was just amazing. I had to occasionally cover my mouth to prevent my moans. I felt my body tremble with each thrust. And when we finally gave out, we lay there, extremely exhausted, heaving, unable to say anything. I wanted to tell him how incredible his dick was, but i could not form the words just yet. We just stared at each other and smiled.
I spent the rest of the day delirious. I could not concentrate on work, not with my vagina that sore and the memory of what i’d done so fresh. It felt exciting, thrilling and i often caught myself smiling. I faked sickness and went home. When i got there, the reality of what i had done suddenly hit me. I felt awful, dirty and i was disappointed with myself. I’d had sex with another man! I got into the shower and washed off, but i couldnt seem to wash away my guilt as i had easily washed the cum off my body.

I cried myself to sleep.

Alex woke me up later when he got home. He seemed normal and happier, i noticed. And he had flowers and a bottle of wine in hand. He went on and on explaining about how work was tight and how sorry he was for being so distant, but all i could think about was how i’d cheated on him.
He cooked dinner, we ate, drunk, talked and made up. Somewhere in the middle of all that we fell asleep.
I woke up the next morning to his right hand gentling tracing the outline of my clit. His other hand was fondling my boob, while his lips nibbled my earlobe.

It felt so good.

He shoved his manhood inside me and i cried out in pleasure. It had been so long with him that i had  almost forgotten how his sex felt like. This was exactly how i wanted to be woken up every morning. We all deserve morning sex and pancakes, right?
I convinced myself that i was over the incident with Ben and decided to not let it bother me anymore. Afterall, Alex and i had made up. I had no reason to screw around and ruin my relationship. When i got to work later, i wanted to find Ben and call off things with him. But i had alot of unfinished assignments so i decided to just avoid him for a while. Problem is, he was like a leech stuck on my back. I literally bumped into him in every corner of the buiding. I was going to have a hard time avoiding him, because his presence was  not doing me any good. I was so attracted to him, i just wanted to pounce on him everytime. I tried severally to put a stop to whatever this was, but we’d just end up having sex and going back to our desks like nothing had happened. The more we had sex, the more my guilt disappeared. Almost like i was getting used to it. Like i was loving it. The only time i felt bad about it was when i got home and Alex wanted to make love, but i’d be so exhausted so i had to lie that it was about work. Little did he know somebody was working me out.

My turning point was when we almost got caught one night. I had stayed up late in the office to finish a project. I thought i was all alone till i felt soft lips on my neck. It was  Ben. He had come back to get something when he saw me. We got it on right there, on top of my desk. Our lust was cut short immediately when i heard the bosse’s voice down the hallway. He had probably noticed my light on and was coming back up to check on me. I pushed Ben under the desk and quickly fastened the buttons of my shirt. He bust into the room, without knocking, looked at my messy hair and just told me not to overwork.

If only he meant that!

I decided i could not go on like that. Living a lie. A few minutes of pleasure were not going to cost me my job, reputation and boyfriend.
The next day Ben came into my office. He just wanted to talk. I noticed he was smiling and i wondered why.
“I wanna make you mine. I want to date you!”
I was caught off-guard because i thought that this was purely sex. But there he was, grinning, looking like a little boy in love for the first time.
“I cant do this anymore. It needs to stop. I have a man at home ..”
I watched as his smile disappeared, and was replaced by anger. He didnt take it so well as i had hoped. He got up and paced about the room, shaking his head vehemently.
“You didnt seem to have a man when you were fucking me! What do you take me for? You will regret this!”
I didnt get a chance to react because he stormed out of the room. I consoled myself that he would later calm down and understand. I felt relieved on my part because i could finally concentrate on my work and my man. I was comforted by the fact that his internship was almost over, and with any luck, i would never see him again. In my head, it was all going to be perfect.

And so it was. Perfect. A few weeks later, Ben left. No goodbye, no nothing. But i felt at peace. I was ready to put the past behind me and move on.
Things with Alex were pretty great. Despite his busy schedule, he would still make time for me. We got back on track and i felt so happy. Contented.
One evening i got home from work and found him already there, cooking. I loved it whenever he was this romantic. My birthday was a few days away and he had began to spoil me. As i was heading to the bathroom to wash up, he mentioned something about some delivered movies we would watch later on.
I was treated to a sumptous three-course meal, and eventually we curled up on a couch in the living room to watch the movie. He said some guy had dropped it off, claiming i had ordered it online. I couldnt recall any of that but i was too excited at the moment to be bothered about it.

My grin was short-lived though. I lost it all that night. I lost the man i loved the most because i could not keep my legs closed. That was no ordinary movie. It was a sex tape. My sextape. That sneaky bastard Ben had recorded one of our romping sessions. I was caught. There was no explanation for what we were watching. That was cearly me in the tape, legs stretched out like i was about to receive holy manna from heaven, moaning and groaning like the world was about to end. I cant tell you what Alex was saying, for i could not hear him. I could see his lips moving but i could not hear what he was saying. I just sat there, mouth wide open, tears in my eyes, unable to move or talk. I realised it was all real when i heard the door slam.
He was gone.

David’s secret.

When David got home one Friday evening, he went straight to the bathroom, to relieve the day’s work pangs. He remembered reading in a popular magazine that a warm bubble bath relaxes the mind and body, so he decided to try it out. When he heaved his tired body into the jacuzzi, he immediately felt at peace. He let his mind wander off into a deep endless pit; a perfect world where nothing else mattered, where you just had to marvel at the beauty around you and forget about your troubles. It was a world full of possibilities and unending peace, which gave you endless bouts of energy and love.
The annoying ringing of his cellphone brought him back to reality. He cursed silently and answered it.
“Hello, David. Long time no see. Thought i wouldn’t track you down?”. It was a deep voice, a commanding tone that gave him chills.
“Who am i talking to?”
No answer.
David was buffled.
“I know your secret.”
David felt his whole body go numb with fear.
“Who is this? What secret…what secret are you talking about?”
Silence. The stranger hung up on him without saying another word, leaving a terrified David wondering what had just transpired.

***
David was happily married to Sonia for about a decade. They had been blessed with two wonderful children, Adrian and Nicole. Adrian was the eldest, a university student, while Nicole was in year three of highschool. Throughout their married life, they had never faced any major challenges. Just the usual up’s and down’s of a normal couple. Nothing out of the ordinary that could ever tear them apart. Their love for each other bound them forever, and close friends of the family admired, even envied them. Everybody wanted a relationship like theirs, a marriage like theirs. They were bestfriends, and close confidants.
So when David started getting worried about the mysterious calls, it was not hard for Sonia to notice that there was a problem. She gave him time to come clean about it, but it did not work. Her husband had this far-away look, seemed troubled and absent-minded. He even forgot about little details, like where the bathroom was or the kitchen. Things were quickly getting out of hand, and Sonia did not have a clue on how to go about it. Afterall, she had never seen him like that.
“What do you think i should do, Steph?”
Sonia decided to seek help from her bestfriend, Stephanie. She was also married, so it was easier to confide in her. They met at their usual spot, Jazz Cafe, over a cup of coffee.
“Have you tried talking to him, you know, initiating conversation…getting him to open up..?” A puzzled Stephanie asked.
“A million times. I’ve tried everything humanly possible. I feel like such a terrible wife..” she moaned.
“Relax. Dont beat yourself up about it. It’s probably just work stuff. It will blow over.” Stephanie assured her friend. She sipped her coffee slowly, looking at her distressed friend, who had hardly touched her cup. She just ran the tips of the fingers round the mug, her other hand cupping her face. Sonia had always been a bubbly person, but looking at her now, Steph could not help but feel sorry for her. The fact that she was married, she understood exactly what her bestfriend was feeling. She had been at the exact situation too many times with Tony, her husband. She adviced her friend to let her husband know that she was always going to be there whenever he needed to talk. She reasoned that it was probably just best to give him space first.
“And the kids, are they ok?”
Sonia sat up straight.
“You know what, am glad they are away in school so they dont have to see this. I would not know what to tell them. I mean, even the gateman can clearly see that David is not ok. Its terrible!”
Steph reached out her hand and held her friends’.
“Just give him time, ok? Everything will be fine, i promise. But if it doesnt work out, just call and tell me when we are beating him up.!”
They both laughed, much to Steph’s relief. It was about time her friend cheered up.
“Thank you, Steph. For listening. I just had to tell someone.”
The rest of the afternoon was spent in gossip and laughter, usual girl stuff.
And Sonia took heed of her friend’s advice to give her husband time to open up. But when she got home and found him mumbling incoherently to himself, she got worried again. He looked lost and confused. She did not know how to approach him, because all of this was new to her. She just stood there for a while, observing him.
“Honey, are you ok?”
He did not answer, did not even startle.
“David?” She touched him on the shoulder.
“David?”
She shook him, gently.
“What?!” He retorted.
Sonia jerked back in fear. His voice gave her chills. It was a voice she did not recognize, filled with so much anger and frustration. His eyes were pepper-red, his breathing hard and heavy. He looked like a wounded bull ready to charge at the enemy.
Then he realised it was his wife, and his face registered a look of shock and confusion.
“It’s you, am sorry hun. I didnt know it was you,” he mumbled.
He turned to look at his wife. From the look in her eyes, he could see that she was scared, yet worried about him.
“Its…its work , Sonia. A few problems here and there, but its gonna be alright.” He assured her. Somehow, Sonia felt relieved. It seemed like Steph was right after all.
“So take a break. Lets travel, relax…you look stressed out, and it scares me to see you like this.”
David smiled and held her in his arms.
“Ok, i hear you. I will take a break. Pack your bags, we leave in two days.”
They kissed and made up. Sonia was excited. She didnt even know what she was so worried about in the first place. Everything had all worked out. They talked for hours, just like before, until she fell asleep. But sleep was elusive on David. He tossed and turned in bed, pondering what to do. He was really backed up in a dark corner, with no options at all. Watching his beautiful wife so peacefully asleep, he wondered how she would react when she found out about his other life. Because it looked like his chicken were soon coming home to roost.

***
Sunday afternoon.
Two days after coming back from their vacation in Lamu, Sonia was relaxing in the bedroom reading a fashion magazine. Every now and then a girl has got to catch up on the latest fashion trends, right?
She flipped through the magazine for the hundrendth time and threw it lazily across the bed. She was bored and regretted why she had passed up on an opportunity to go swimming with the girls. She paced up and down, thinking of a way to entertain herself. She finally decided it was not too late to call and join her friends. That is when she noticed David’s travelling bag, lying on the floor next to the wardrobe.
“How lazy of him, he should have unpacked by now!” She murmured to herself, while picking it up and pouring the bag’s contents on the bed. A red lacy material caught her eye. With a tinge of familiarity, she lifted it up and confirmed her worst fear; a woman’s bra! She threw it on the floor and almost screamed. She did not own any red bra. It was most definitely not her’s, and it was certainly no damn present because it had another woman’s scent on it. This only meant one thing- her husband was having an affair!  But with who, and when…why?! Sonia was devastated. She had taken pride in the fact that she and David had the perfect union. And they were always together, they even showered together, so how and when did he find the time to cheat on her? Sonia fell on the floor, tears uncontrollably streaming down her cheeks.
“You bastard! How could you..?!” She yelled, bitterly. For all those years they had been together, he had been the perfect husband and a wonderful father to their kids. Never had he given her a reason to doubt him, and now this? It was all too hard to fathom. The first natural reaction was to confront him, obviously. But after sobering up abit, she decided to wait. She decided to watch his movements closely, trail him day and night if must, gather evidence then lay it all bare for him that she knew his secret.
The next few days were extremely hard for Sonia. But she had to put on a brave face, a normal face that everybody was used to so they could not detect any problem. She went on about her normal activities, but unknown to David, she tailed his every move. She almost gave up after a few days, feeling like a terrible person. She had this urge to tell Steph, but managed to keep it all to herself until she herself confirmed everything. For someone who was used to telling her best friend everything, this was really hard for her to keep it under wraps.
Then one evening she caught him. He was getting into a dingy hotel, located in a deserted street in town. The place reeked of filth, so distasteful and unlike David. He was wealthy, why check into such into such a place? Time flew by and Sonia was about to get out of her car when David, followed by a tall slender guy walked out of the hotel. They stood at the entrance and seemed to be quarelling about something. It looked like a heated argument because at one point David grabbed the other guy by the collar of his shirt. Sonia watched helplessly, confused at the sudden turn of events. David handed the guy a brown envelope , the contents which Sonia naturally assumed was money. Then they parted ways. David got on his car and left. The other guy, counted the crisp notes, put the envelope on his breast pocket, hopped on an old motorbike and zoomed off. Sonia thought it wise to follow him, curiosity definitely driving her insane. She wanted to get to the bottom of what had just transpired before her very own eyes. After driving around unfamiliar streets and roads, the guy pulled up outside the gate of a rental flat in the outskirts of the city. Sonia pulled up after him, all the while the guy never suspecting being followed. She peeped through the gate to see which door he entered. She stood at the gate, deliberating whether to get in or just leave. But she had come all that way, so she figured she might as well get it over with. She breathed in, hard and opened the gate.
What followed was a difficult conversation she wished she had never initiated. She regretted ever pursuing all this madness at all. What she learnt that night was something that she wished she had never found out, at all.

***
David’s birthday was coming up. Sonia thought it a perfect time. The kids would be home for their holidays. So she planned a surprise birthday party for him. She invited everyone they knew, everyone they held dear; family, close friends and the Catholic priest that had presided over their marriage. This was an important night afterall, not only for David, but for her as well. This was the night she would tell everyone who David really was. It was hightime because she could not deal with it alone anymore. It was too much to bare. The past couple of months had been hard. Walking around like everything was fine but breaking down every night when everyone was asleep. She needed to move on, but not before revealing the big lie, David’s secret, and calling out the bullshit that was their marriage. Because it was all a big scam.
The night was perfect. The weather was just right. The decor, food, music, ambience-perfection itself. When Sonia accertained that everyone was there, she got up and asked for everyone’s attention. She looked elegant, as usual, and happy so nobody ever anticipated the words that came out of her mouth.
“David, i’ve always known that you are the most perfect man. My bestfriend, my lover, my husband. You have been a wonderful husband all these years, and a good father to Adrian and Nicole. But i look at you now and cant believe how much you disgust me!”
There was a sudden wave of silence. The kind that you could hear a pin drop on the floor.
“Why, David? Why? All those years i wasted on you, and you never had the balls to tell me that you are gay! I married an homosexual!”
She broke down in tears, the crowd utterly shocked and confused at the recent revelation. It was clearly unexpected.
“Dont even bother denying anything. I talked to your former lover, the one you paid to shut up. And he told me everything..how you never loved me, how you used me to cover up your dirty little secret. You just used me as a pawn in your game, the fact that i was in love with you made it easier, right? 12 years, …two kids…how could you honestly do this to me?! You are so disgusting. I loved you. I gave you everything, then i find out you not only cheated me all our married life, but with men! You pig! You came home to me every night for 12 years to touch me with the same hands you touch other men with…you are disgusting! You stood with me in the altar, a holy place, in the presence of God and our families, and declared to love me forever,…how could you?!”
She reached out to hit but her parents grabbed her. Her mother, clearly feeling the pain of her child, tried to calm her. Friends and family watched the unfolding drama, unbelievably, and obviously disgusted at David. It seemed unreal, looking like the stuff you only see in movies. All the while David never tried to talk. He stood there, looking like he had been nailed to the floor. What could he possibly say to justify his actions? Everything said was all true. It was a secret he had hoped to take to the grave. But the funny thing with secrets is, they can only be between two people, but only if one is dead. He was finally living his nightmare, and he wished death would take him right there and then.
Sonia wiped her tears.
“You ruined my life. Its only befitting that i ruin yours as well. Now everyone knows your secret. They all know who you are. Am taking my kids. Dont even bother looking for us. I dont ever want to see your face. I hope you rot in hell!”
With that, she grabbed Adrian and Nicole, who were not yet recovered from shock, and stormed out. Her parent’s and bestfriend’s pleas fell on deaf ears. Now everyone turned to look at David. No one talked to him. They all murmured and pointed in disbelief. Some left immediately, utterly disgusted. Others stayed, maybe to hear his side of story. But David was in no talking mood at all. He had lost everything. He sunk into a chair beside him, breaking down in tears, liqour bottle in hand. He was going to need it.
There were all sorts of mixed reactions in the room. But the most prevalent reaction was shock. No one had ever seen that coming. David was a good husband, a dedicated family man and a man after God’s own heart.
Besides, most married men cheat on their wives with other women. But for a woman to find out that her husband loves to dress up as a woman and have sex with other men, that is a whole new level of humiliation.

The ooh’s and aah’s

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Get a condom for your heart, am about to f^ck your feelings. Two of the best things in this world are laughter and orgasms, and i want you to experience both. Tonight is the night i push your body to its limits.

I dont just want your heart. I want your flesh, your scent, your aura, your skin, your voice, your thoughts, your pulse and most importantly…your fingerprints. Everywhere, because am addicted to the way my breathing changes when you touch my body. I just want you happy, and naked. Because i think you and i belong together; in bed, all our ups and downs between the sheets, naked, floating away in pleasure.

Even though i may tell you i dont like the way you bite my lip, or how you kiss my inner thigh, or when you nibble my earlobe, the dampness betweeen my thighs will betray me. You know my weaknesses all too well. We’re waking up the neighbours but we dont care. Coz i need you to love me a little louder tonight. Knock on the cervix like it owes you rent money.  Tonight, we will not make love. Love will make us.
How i anticipate the little precious moments! Like when i feel your presence and the sound of your voice makes me drip from anticipation; when the bass in your voice makes me so horny you can swim in my wetness. When innocent hugs and booty rubs turn into slow, passionate and sensual sex. I look forward to the rainy nights spend listening to 90’s RnB’s and slow grinding, coz we all know we about to bump and grind till morning. They say am addicted to you like its a bad thing. I dont mind them because all i need is your sweet loving. My drug is watching your body react to my tongue.

I notice everything. The way your eyes twitch when you get a little excited, the way your chest heaves up and down, your heart racing hard and fast, the passion written allover your chest and the little beads of sweat that form on your forehead when we get lost in each other. Am a sucker for affection and someone who cant keep their hands off me. It is times like these i dont care who was before me, as long as there is no one during me. Whats mine is mine, i dont like sharing. In a world full of all manner of wrong, he is the only thing that is right. He is that one person i just want to do everything nasty to. Home is wherever im with him. Because wanting someone for their personality, their awkward jokes and laughter, and just because they feel like home, is what i call love.

And i know even though i may kneel before you, i will never be below you.

My two cents on religion

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People who blurt out careless remarks like, “You are going to hell!”, make me want to facepalm my hand right through my skull. We will probably share the same ride, so just chill. There is really no need to act all ‘holy’ because you sin different than me. Why be so quick to judge me just because my mistakes are more evident than yours? There is no one walking on this earth that is perfect, and there will never be. The difference between me and you is that i own my flaws. And even the holy book states that Christ came for the sinners, not the righteous. Worry about your own sins, you will not be asked about mine.

The world’s newest religion is, no religion all together. The way the world is modernizing, religion will totally lose its relevance. There will come a time when majority of the world’s population will be secular. Religion will simply become less important. The problem with religion is that it has divided and spread hatred, the kind of hatred that has caused wars. That entirely makes it such a difficult term to define. There is so much propaganda, brain wash and ignorance. Alot is happening in the world that makes it so easy to question whether there is truly a God. Is he sleeping, has he given up on us or did he take a vacation? The lack of scientific evidence is what has led to the growing number of atheists. And i really cant blame them, because we have all been there; at our lowest moments, questioning the big man. Truth is, religion has great shortcomings. It has poisoned almost everything, is regarded as the opium of the masses. But should we give up on it entirely?

For me, religion is personal. It should not be imposed on anyone. Its all about the relationship you have with the big man above. Please dont walk around mocking other people, calling them names and telling them how they will burn in the fires of hell forever. First of all, it takes one to know one. And also, people who condemn a particular sin the most are typically the ones struggling with it. The reality is, the church has become a business, not a place of worship. Welcome to the 21st century, where material success is an indicator of God’s presence in your life. How can a system that claims to value your soul fail to show up for your wellbeing and life? These ‘men of God’ are not loyal. The more money you pour into the church, the more praise they attach to your name. You become a role model and a topic of discussion in every sermon. But the moment things go astray and you hit rock bottom, they will avoid you like a plaque and leave you to die your own death. But even i, a great sinner, know that i dont need a church to facilitate my relationship with God. I mean, its just a building. I can always get down on my knees, no matter where iam, and talk to Him. Attending church every sabbath does not make you better than me. I know that God’s grace is sufficient, even when i fail him. My salvation is already solidified, and there is nothing i can say or do to change God’s love and plan for me.

It pains my heart to see ‘men of God’ tearing at each other, as if it were a competition, to gain spiritual superiority. Am tired of constant criticism against my choice of denomination. There are many start up churches rising up, their main agenda to fight the others. I’ve never understood how a man can stand in the altar, a place so holy, and condemn other people for following a certain path. Where do you get the balls?? God is certainly patient, because if given the power, i would strike this blasphemous idiots down. Some of the things being comdemned are never even mentioned in the Bible. So outrageous. What is even more outrageous is the demands being made by this self- proclaimed prophets of God. Jesus himself was humble, nothing extraordinary about him. There is no mention of him anywhere in the holy scriptures wearing flashy clothes, driving state of the art cars and living in mansions. Why cant we follow his example? And if anything, anyone claiming to have all the answers doesnt. No one does.

Iam a christian, born and raised. I belong to the Catholic faith, and i should not be crucified for it. I dont judge my friends for their faith, and neither should they. I have been raised to believe that there is enough room for everyone. We all worship the same God, regardless of whatever name we address him with. For those who have no religious affliliation, let us not judge them. People understand religion and creation in different ways. And people worship their God in different ways too.

Point is, i choose to believe what i believe. I wont spend the rest of my life debating and fighting God. He is not a man. We are so busy fighting each other, that we forget to love each other. I will pray and go to church whenever i can, regardless of what the world becomes. At the end of the day, i have absolutely nothing to lose. I choose not to question God’s existence. There are things in this world beyond us as mankind. The knowledge of the earth surpasses any human understanding. And we should all make peace with that.

Broken promises and broken condoms

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If you are a girl, and you’ve ever been in a relationship, then am pretty sure that you’ve ever sat on the corner of your bed, watching your boyfriend sleep, and contemplated killing him. Just be honest here, i wont judge. You’ve probably wondered how its even possible that one person can get on your nerves so damn much. So you just sit there, breathing fumes of fire, with a devilish smurk all over your face. Is it gonna be a knife, a gun, should i spike his food or should i just stuff him out with a pillow? The endless possibilities! You’ve probably watched “how to get away with murder”, so the choices are many. But its ok to feel that way. Relationships are complicated, never meant to be perfect.

So one cold saturday night, i found myself in this situation. I had given this nigga so many chances even i had lost count. He would lie and break my heart over and over, but i would still find a place in my heart to forgive him. Raj was simply irresistible. After yelling and cursing back and forth, we’d have this steamy and wild make-up sex, then everything would go back to normal. He always knew how to press the right buttons. I could never leave him even if i tried. I was so in love with him. He was my drug, and i was addicted. So you can imagine the kind of anguish i went through when a nude picture of another girl popped up on his phone. Not that i was snooping, coz Lord knows that always got me in trouble with him. I had asked for his phone to call a friend. And before i could finish dialing the number, there was a naked female form staring at me, followed by a text, “last night was wonderful.” I got so mad i could feel my body burning up. I was not really sure whether to yell, cry or laugh. Have you ever been so mad that you just keep calm? This was not the first time, but c’mon, we had just made up a few hours ago and now this? I just put the phone down and went to the kitchen to get some food, because that was the only thing that never disappointed me in this house.

It wasnt until later when i was watching TV, and i saw a Trust Condoms ad, that i realised my period was late. Like two weeks late. My feelings graduated from anger to fear and panic real quick. I ran to the bathroom and found the box of pregnancy kits stashed in the top drawer. I was not sure how long they’d been there, or if they were expired. I peed and waited. I was so nervous, my hands were shaking. I could not even breath right. All the while i was thinking of how my mum would be so disappointed. She did not even know i had a boyfriend, let alone broken my virginity. I messed up so many kits that i had to redo it over and over again, until it finally dawned on me…i was pregnant. And no matter how many sticks i peed on, it would not change the fact that i was expecting Raj’s baby.

I always fantasized about how i would break the news to my man that i was pregnant. In my head, i would cook, dress up and arrange a candle lit dinner. I would tell him the news and he would be delighted, then we would live on happily ever after. But c’mon, that shit only exists in movies. This was real life. I was 21, in college and pregnant for a man who had commitment issues…how can that be happily ever after? We were making out a few days later, and just when he was about to pull off my panties, i blurted out “am pregnant!”. I didnt mean to mention it at that time or moment, but it just came out. He jumped back as if he had seen a ghost. I watched silently as he went through the five stages of grief; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. This was Raj, not exactly relationship material, so i was ready for any kind of reaction. I would not be surprised if he took off and i never saw him again. But what he did really moved me. He reached out and hugged me, and for a while there i thought i was dreaming. He said it was gonba be alright. I just sat there, tears welling up in my eyes. I had never felt so loved and wanted all that time we were together. Atleast i wasnt gonna be in this journey alone.

Its amazing how much Raj changed in the days that followed. It was like a miracle. I had to pinch myself repeatedly to make sure that i was not dreaming. But it was all real and he was really ready to be a father. He had taken it so well that i actually felt calm talking about it to my parents. My mum was a nurse so she would definitely notice sooner. I had to tell her myself. Raj had become this great man i always prayed that he would be. After all the hell he had put me through,  now we were here, in this moment together choosing baby names. No more drama from other girls, he said he was done with all that.

It was the visit to the doctor that would change everything. We were so excited to find out if the baby was ok, if i was ok and what sex it was. Everything was going on great so far. No morning sicknesses, no mood swings, no weird cravings. I was having a smooth pregnancy, or so i thought. Shock is not a word enough to explain how i felt when the doctor told me that i was not expectant. Turns out my period was late because i had switched birth control. But i explained to the doctor about the test at home, and he said probably they were expired, and that i was nervous,so i could have easily misread it. It was so heart-breaking, because i was really looking forward to being a mom. It was hard to accept at first, but Raj’s reaction had changed my mind. So we went home, unable to talk and unable to comprehend the news. And ofcourse i was worried that he will go back to his old ways now that there was no baby. But its like he had read my mind, and he assured me that he would not go back again. These words were exactly what i wanted to hear. And true to it, he did keep his promise. We talked about the ‘baby’ and decided that it was probably for the best. Thank God i had not told my parents yet. As if a pregnancy scare was not scary enough.

Raj and i were inseparable. Everything had worked out so well between us, sometimes i could barely believe it. Sometimes i would look at him and just laugh. I could not believe he was the same guy that i would yell at all the time. Here he was, loving and spoiling me like his life depended on it. I could actually picture a life with him, growing old together. I could not imagine myself in the arms of another man. He was all the man i needed and wanted.

For his 23rd birthday, i planned a surprise birthday party. I did all the arrangements; the decor, food, drinks, music and even took time to gather all our friends. He would never see it coming because he thought we would just go out to dinner. Little did i know that i was the one to be surprised.
At around 9pm, when everything was ready and set, there was a knock at the door. Once, twice, third time…i knew it could not be Raj. He would not need to knock the door of his own house. So i went to see who it was. It was an unfamiliar face, definitely was not invited because she was not our friend, and i did not recognise her.  Before i could talk, she asked where Raj was. And then my eyes wondered to her protruding belly. It was so huge she looked like she could bust at any moment. And i just stood there, unable to talk or move. She was carrying Raj’s baby. Now it was my time to go through the five stages of grief. I dont remember much about the events that followed because i woke up in a hospital bed, a tall dark stranger beside me, checking my blood pressure. I could see his mouth moving, but i could not hear what he was saying. I was still in shock. It was all too much to bear. It felt like i was dying, slowly. I could not even feel my body. I closed my eyes and drifted to another world, because this one was unbearable.

Funny thing about a strong woman is, she gives alot of chances. But when she is done, she is done. She never looks back. I turned the page and closed the chapter with Raj all together. God knows i had loved him, with all my heart and soul. But sometimes love is never enough. I had to move on with my life. I had to put my well being and education first. The last thing i wanted was to be caught up in a love triangle. I did not want baby mama drama.  I was too young to be tied down like that. He begged me for months to take him back, but i was really done. I was not even angry anymore. It was strange that i felf so relieved. It amazed me how i could be so calm about leaving him, because a while back i could not imagine a life without him. I did not even shed one tear for him, probably because i had cried enough before. So i talked to him, told him i had nothing against him. No anger, no resentment, no need for revenge. I had forgiven him, but i could not be with him anymore. Yes, he had changed and that was what i kept praying for, but now that i had him like that, it was all too complicated now. He had to let me go because he had to focus on his new family, and i had a life to live. I had loved him, but now i loved me more.

Finding love in a hopeless place

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There are alot of inevitable things in this life, and love sure is on top of the list. Its one of those things that hit you when you least expect it. Flo never really counted on finding love again. Not after the hurt and humiliation she had gone through a few months back. The murky picture of her beloved boyfriend and another woman deep in passion, on her bed had left a stain in her mind. That relationship nearly killed her. It was heartbraking to watch someone so important change into a person she didnt want anything to do with. Because the reality is, you could be amazing, genuine and loyal, and still be overlooked. You could be the ripest, juiciest mango on the market stall, but theres still going to be that one person that hates mangoes. She had to let him go, so she could live. So she could get her groove back. But never in her wildest dreams did it occur to her that she’d find that groove so near…

Compared to her bestfriend Winnie, Flo was more preserved and an introvert. She was one of those girls who enjoyed her own company. She loved being at home alone, in her bitch cave; where she could wear pyjamas all day, consume all manner of food without judgement and not have to deal with people. Her bed was like a blackhole that absorbed food crumps, the tv remote and all her motivation. She loved her books, getting lost in romance novels. It amazed everyone how she and Winnie became friends. Winnie was the wild one; a party animal and a certified freak. You would never catch her in one place. She spoilt, and loved spending money daddys money and wasnt really a one-man-woman. She was very generous with her body, exchanging men like pieces of cloth. Lights, cameras and alcohol were her favourite scene.
One particular afternoon, Flo was jolted back to reality when her phone rang. It was Ken, Winnie’s bioyfriend. He sounded so upset on the phone she could barely make sense of what he was saying. Then it dawned her that maybe Ken had found out about Winnie’s extra-curricular activities. It was an uncomfortable moment because she didnt know whether to defend her bestfriend or console her other friend. She had always prided herself in being her bestfriend’s counsellor and relationship advisor, always condemning her irresponsible sex life. She thought it was reckless and messy and dangerous, because how could one person juggle all those men at a go. Living a double life wasnt easy. It required work. And now it looked like Winnie’s chickens had come home to roost. She had gotten sloppy and got caught, and in the process destroying the most promising relationship she had.

For someone who had recently suffered a heartbreak, Flo perfectly understood the situation Ken was in. The scary thing about dating is; you are either going to marry that person or break up. And when you are totally obsessed with someone, a break up is never really on your mind. Its all glitter and sunshine until one party breaks their promise. Ken was a mess. He had really fallen for Winnie. Flo recalled several instances when Ken had hinted at wanting to settle down and have a family with Winnie. Little did he know that the woman of his dreams was exactly that: a woman of his dreams. In reality, she was a nightmare. Guilt tore through Flo. She felt responsible for Kens pain. She thought that maybe if she had warned him about her friends behaviour, maybe he wouldnt be in this position. Winnie  never really cared for Ken. He was just another pawn in her game, a toy, a cover up of her intricate web of lies. The perfect disguise to hide the fact that she dated alot of men, for the sake of it.

In the months that followed, Flo and Ken got really close. They really connected on all levels. Physical attractions are common, but mental connections are rare. And they had just that. They bonded so deeply, it felt like they could see each other’s souls.  Love had broken them, but when they came together, their pieces became whole. The more time they spent together, the more they realised that they actually had alot in common. Somewhere in between the stupid jokes, deep talks and walks together, Flo fell in love with Ken. And Ken was more than willing to take a chance on her, for she had proved that she was indeed genuine and loyal. Everything he said, everything he did, everything he was…it was all beautiful and amazing. She had always had ‘the perfect boyfriend list’, and Ken was nowhere near that. She had never expected to love him, never expected that he would be that important to her. But thats how love works. You dont get to choose. You just fall in love with this person, who is all wrong and all right at the same time. It doesnt matter how high you have built your wall, it will come crushing down once you fall in love.

Theirs was a messy story, but they loved it all the same. It was beautiful, flawed and stained.  It was the same story that got them here.

Unbowed

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Kites are made to fly high in the sky, unrestricted by whatever weather. Eagles are made to soar up above the blue skies, look down on earth, marvel and feel almighty. As sure as the sun rises and sets, then this too shall pass. As sure as a young seedling, i too shall become a great tree. As true as a beautiful dream, i shall become an even more beautiful reality. I like to think that i was born an angel, given wings by God to fly as high as i wanted to. I always wanted to touch people’s lives, put smiles on their faces and give them hope. Now i feel my wings are dirty, and heavy; dragging me to the ground. The tears from my eyes will burn my cheeks. My body is weak. My mind is clouded by a million thoughts; broken ties, broken dreams, broken promises..my head is heavy. I feel like i’ve been hit in the face by the smithereens of a mirror. Tiny voices scream and yell at me. Its another world altogether in my head. A world of betrayal, disappointments, heartache.
But i want to be as light as a feather again. I want that smile, that smile that mesmerises everyone. I want it so bad. I dont ever want to be a shadow of myself. I dont want to lurk in the darkness. I want the warm rays of the sun to penetrate my skin so i can grow and bloom like a beautiful flower. Pain, disappointments, hurt…such is life. The raw beauty of life. But as long as the Great man above exists, i too shall exist.